I am completely sober right now, however I am in one of the moods when I kind of look off in the distance, not at a particular object or place, but looking off in the distance at a faint pinpoint of light, its hard to make out when you look directly at it, but out of the corner of your eye it becomes clearer, you look at it again, and it disappears, it eludes you. I look, I stop trying to see it and just stare off, my eyes stop focusing on the external stimuli of the real world and melt and blend into an intoxicating daydream, it is one of those days when it doesnt matter what particular problems are nagging at my brain, or the unsureness of the future, it doesn’t matter because you are feeling aligned and yourself makes sense. When my emotions align in such a precise way, a lunar eclipse of the mind and soul, I can immerse myself in memories that make me feel a happiness that only exists in the soul of laughing child, like a kid feeling the ocean on his feet for the first time, seeing the wave come at you and wonder if its going to hurt you, nervously anticipating its approach, trying to be brave and face it, here it comes, you tense up, feel ready, then right before it hits you, you panic, you try to run but you can’t you feel stuck, you feel its the end, the wave is about to hit you, you begin to scream and then…..wwoooossshhhhh airlifted out of the water by two strong arms that feel like the grasp of God himself. You clutch to the side of your parent, comfortable, happy, safe, a feeling of security that only the hug of a parent can give you. This feeling is isolated to the innocence of childhood. It is an amazing feeling, and I think we strive to find it.
As we get older, we become hardened to the world, we see violence, hatred, poverty, love, betrayal, and separation. Our youthful exuberance and innocence is slowly drained from us like an aging tube of toothpaste. When we are young we are filled with it, it seems like we can use and waste as much as we want because there is no end in sight, when we are young we leave the cap off and just let it drip out because we cannot foresee an end in sight. Soon we grow, we notice that we are not as full as before, we find out that there is a limitation to all this security and happiness. We curl the back up to push more of it forward, but no worries, there is still plenty left, we throw ourselves into relationships and situations where we need to use more of it, why not, we are young and there is plenty more of it left. We go through life losing more and more each day, sometimes not realizing it, sometimes crying and longing to have it all back, sometimes just feeling the indifference of nothingness.
Then one day we wake up, we say, how the fuck did I get here? You call upon that sense of security and the uniqueness of childhood happiness, and you realize you have to squeeze the tube as hard as you can, run your fingers the length of it to try and get every drop out, thinking to yourself “if I can get a little more out I will be ok, just one drop”. Meanwhile you think back to all the times you could squeeze tablespoons of it out and even scraped some off so you don’t have too much. It is a sad realization that day, when you long for the innocence of childhood, it is a depressing day.