I love fucking with the PPA.

My initial email to the PPA

I am contacting you as a concerned citizen of Philadelphia.  I have received quite a few tickets from the PPA.  Admittedly some were my fault.   But two of the tickets were for being in a no parking zone while unloading materials from my car.  I did not leave the car unattended but the PPA officer said that “no parking means no parking” and that those signs are there for a reason, the safety of the citizens.  I did not argue with him because I agree, safety should be priority number 1.

Now I do understand this and paid hundreds of dollars for my mistake.  However I feel I am owed a refund.  This afternoon I found an unattended PPA car parked illegally.  Now at first I let it slide because I thought maybe the PPA officer was gathering information about a possible serial parking offender.  I can understand that sometimes you need to break the law to uphold the law, I mean, I have seen Batman.   However I was annoyed because when I went into the deli where the car was parked I found a PPA employee waiting for his lunch.  Not only that but the sandwich he ordered was so specific in its construction that I had to wait more than 10 minutes for my simple order to be placed.  I am a simple man with a short lunch break and I had already spent 8 minutes searching for a legal parking spot.

Now he was not parked illegally to better do his job, no, he was taking advantage of his PPA status to illegally park so he could order a complex sandwich on his lunch break.  I understand his pain, because I often circle the block  desperately searching for a legal parking space to frequent my favorite hoagie spot, however every time I want to park behind that no parking sign in front of the deli I remember the safety of citizens is priority number 1 and continue my circling.

If our parking authority begins parking illegally I am worried about the ramifications to this fine city.  I have seen this happen before, first a few PPA employees park illegally and the next thing you know we have a full scale riot on our hands.  Now I don’t know about you, but my apartment is street level and while I have bars on my windows I do not think they will hold off an angry mob for long.   Citizens will fall into a state of anarchy when they see those entrusted to protect us through proper parking breaking the very rules they enforce.  Ask yourself, do you want to be responsible for the destruction of Philadelphia?

I have enclosed a photo of the offense for your records.  I will also be distributing this through the various forms of social media and of course to the producers of “Parking Wars”.  I am sure they will be interested in it as well.  If I have learned anything from reality TV it’s that the producers of the shows want to be as accurate and truthful as possible.

Now I am not looking to be paid off, remember I am a law-abiding citizen.  I only want the amount I was charged for doing the same thing your employee did.  The total of the two tickets was 178.00 (it was actually more because the payment was late, but that was my fault, not yours).

Sincerely,

Franco

Law-abiding citizen

Master Parallel Parker

No response so I emailed again…

Ms. O’Connor,

I am highly disappointed.  Six days ago I sent an email which went unanswered.  I understand you are busy, but I feel waiting almost six days for a response is appropriate.  Even Jesus only waited three days.  Are you saying you are twice as good as Jesus?  However I strive to be like him on  a daily basis so I am going to practice forgiveness.    I included the email below in case you have forgotten the questions I asked.   I wish I could say the Philadelphia Inquirer took as long as you but they did not.  They were overly excited to discuss the illegal activities of the PPA, it seems you guys have made a lot of enemies out there.   I could almost hear the salivation in the reporter’s words on the voicemail she left me.

One of the things that concerns me is your reply was simply for my license plate number.  When I asked if you could provide me with assurance that I would not be unfairly targeted once this information was acquired you did not respond.  Let me share an anecdote.   When I was a child I stole a GI Joe action figure from my friend.   The character was Zartan and it would actually change colors when exposed to sunlight.  Now don’t take this the wrong way, I understand Zartan is a mercenary and worked for the Cobra Commander but he changed colors!! To a child color changing ability usurped loyalty to the enemy.   Regardless I swiped the toy and when my parents asked where I got him.  I decided to just not answer.  No matter how many times they asked I just ignored them.  Then my dad said “Son, when someone asks if you are guilty of something answer them,because your silence will only incriminate you“.

Just as a reminder if I were to ignore your notices I would get a larger one in the mail and then eventually you would boot my car.  Now I cannot do either of these to you, but you will continue to receive notices about the unfair PPA practices from me.   And like your unasnwered violations, they will increase.

Have a blessed day,

Franco

Law-abiding Citizen

Master Parallel Parker.

The PPA’s response to me….

Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2011 10:54:24 -0500
From: CO’Connor@philapark.org
To: Franco

Dear Franco:

 May I have your plate number, so that I may review your tickets.  No Parking Any time gives the citizen a time limit, once they exceed that limit they are issued a ticket.  A ticket is not issued immediately, so that citizens may unload in residential areas.  The same rule applies to MG tags.

 

Sincerely,

 Corinne O’Connor

Director of On-Street

 

My response to her…

Ms. O’Connor,
I appreciate you getting back to me.   However I have a few questions.  I would love to just hand over my plate number but I had to sleep on it first.  I was plagued with dreams of being targeted by the PPA, constant tickets at every turn, tickets in such abdundance my windshield would flex and break under the weight of all of them.  I finally awoke in the midst of a nightmare where I was drowning in a sea of blue and white envelopes that said VIOLATION across them.  The vision still haunts me.

1.  What is the exact time limit a citizen is alloted in a No Parking Anytime zone?  I was not aware of this because I was told those zones on the corners were to allow buses and trucks ample turning radius.   If a car was there blocking that turning radius it would completely stop traffic.   Just so I know for future reference, how long is it legal to stop the flow of traffic?

2. I was not unloading in a residential area.  I am in a band and we have shows all over the city.    Sure it is a lot of work outside of my already hectic schedule and the music genre isn’t my cup of tea, but I don’t mind doing these things to make the dreams of our youth come true.  The ticket was issued when I was unloading music equipment for one of these shows.

3. I am not sure what an MG tag is, you will have to explain.  But lets say you are referring to the PPA employee car.   First he was not in a residential area, he was illegally parked in front of a store front where he could have been blocking the turn radius of buses and trucks.  Second, I hope your employees don’t use city vehicles to run personal or non-PPA related errands.  I pay high taxes on my meager wages and to think they are being used in a manner like this is very unsettling.   When I want to leave work for lunch I am not allowed to take our school bus or one of our vans to lunch or run errands.

Lastly, I look forward to your response to these questions.  The Inquirer enjoyed the picture and requested I call them to talk.   However I told them I wanted to wait on your responses because I would hate to see the PPA shed in an unkind light.  I will not respond to them until I get the full details from you.

As for my plate number, one of the tickets was on an older plate that I no longer have and was out of state from when I first moved here.  But the other one was received this June on my current plate.  Also, I want an assurance, in writing that I will not be unfairly targeted by the PPA if I do give my plate number.

Sincerely,

Franco
Law-abiding Citizen
Master Parallel Parker

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